and yet she has no clue

"Adik sa'yo", awit sa akin
nilang sawa na sa aking
mga kwentong marathon
Tungkol sa'yo, at sa ligayang
iyong hatid sa aking buhay
tuloy ang bida sa isipan ko'y ikaw

Sa umaga't sa gabi sa
bawa't minutong lumilipas
Hinahanap-hanap kita,
hinahanap-hanap kita
Sa isip at panaginip,
bawa't pagpihit ng tadhana
Hinahanap-hanap kita

-Hinahanap-hanap Kita ng Rivermaya

Natuwa lang ako na napakinggan ko ulit yung kantang 'to.

Anyway... marami akong iniisip ngayon at hindi ko na alam kung ano muna aatupagin ko... bahala na.

Pinagiisipan ko na rin kung anong klaseng thesis gagawin ko dahil nagbabanta na yung mga prof namin... dapat daw naghahanap na kami ng thesis partner/group, dapat siguro may idea man lang kami kung ano gagawin. Di ko ata kaya gumawa ng short feature. Depende na lang yan sa kalalabasan ng vidprod class ko.

Parang gusto ko ata mag photoessay. Or naisip ko kasi gumawa ng parang comic book pero instead na drawing, photos siya. Well, comics style layout. Tsaka siguro highly-stylized yung photos. Ewan. Sana pwede yun. Medyo fuzzy pa sakin kung anong story gusto ko i-pursue.

Meron na rin akong mga iniisip para sa vidprod. Ewan ko nga lang kung kaya ko gumawa ng horror story para sa Que Horror exercise namin. Haay... ewan.

Kelangan ko na talaga magprioritize. Wala na masyadong lakad... yeah right. Haha. Basta may time para sa pag-aaral. Woooh. Ayos! Hahaha.

dahil sabi ni pacheco magblog ako... haha! joke lang. pero sige. inaamag na rin to eh and i've been wanting to update.

 

 

I'm seriously serious about getting serious this term. I haven't been late at all this week (never mind that it's just our first week back) and I've even started on my requirements in advance! If you know me, you'll know that this is not normal. I practically procrastinate with everything. But I've gotten tired of that even if it used to work for me. I wonder how long this will last...

But really, there's a lot to look forward to this term. There's CONCEPT and VIDPROD (video production. now looking for talents btw, just message me. haha).

This is it. This is the part where I find out if I'm cut out for this. This is the scene where I am pushed beyond my capabilities and I squeeze out every drop of creativity in my body. This is the time when I prove to myself that I belong here.

What does it take to be an artist? More than just talent, I believe it takes purpose, passion and an understanding that goes well beyond the aesthetics. Being an artist is an expression. A way of living.

What is art, anyway? It is not confined to museum-qualified pieces nor is it dictated by socially conventional definitions of beauty. I want my art to stand for something. To have purpose and meaning. It won't be beautiful because it is pleasing to the eye. It will be beautiful because of the emotions it triggers and the ideas it generates.

 

*I hope I'm prepared for the challenge*

 

Passing through Quirino or Taft Avenue is like watching the minutes pass by on my green wall clock. People walking on the street get to where they're going faster than the speed machines stalled on those long stretches of concrete. Yes, sometimes the human muscle is better than technology.

The walk from the Velasco gate to the South gate of DLSU takes all of 2 minutes whereas driving would get you there in 10. Do I exaggerate? I'm not entirely certain. But it sure feels long.

For stoplights on these two avenues, the green means "wait before moving forward two inches" with an emphasis on the word wait. There's too much traffic that you can't even GO anywhere. Yellow does not connote "slow down" nor "speed up" (which is what usually happens in the Philippines) but it translates into "don't bother trying, there's nowhere to go." And finally, the red light. It's very ironic since cars are virtually at a stop most of the time.

It's funny because everytime the light turns green and you start moving forward, it turns red exactly at that moment before you cross the intersection. It's like a tiring stop-go-stop game. Only, games are meant to be fun.

But why am I talking about traffic? I meant to talk about traffic lights. Why traffic lights, you may ask? Well, I don't really know. Maybe I was going for a metaphoric line like, "there are no warning signs like traffic lights to tell you to stop, slow down and go with what you feel."

Surely, it's nothing concrete. Are signs real? What if there were emotion lights? (This is the part where I babble...) Red would mean stop, it's not worth it. Yellow would be slow down, think more. And green would be the exhilarating feeling of going for what you want.

But no, we have to rely on instinct and emotion... sometimes logic and reason would come in. Don't you think that looking for signs is useless? You end up seeing them because you want them there. Well, okay, let's say that doesn't happen all the time but it's possible.

Right now, I feel like I'm in that stop-go-stop game. It's really not fun in the long run. The lights are flashing yellow... I'm not the type to speed up but I don't know how to slow down. I want to GO but I'm perenially at a stop. My mind is a maze of colors and emotions which I have no idea how to deal with.

Yellow. Slow down. Red. Stop. It'll turn green when it's the right time. As of now I'm at a standstill.

-Fin-

(this isn't for or about me... or anyone in particular, really. not exactly)

 

Is that what it's like...

Screaming from two opposite continents without ever understanding each other hoping that one day, the sound waves would reach the other shore? It's useless to scream profanities or sing heartfelt melodies when you're the only one who understands or the other refuses to understand.

It's painful to know that you're now on different pages of the same story that is soon coming to an end. The circumstances are difficult, the excuses are multitudinous. How will you know what's real anymore? How can you be fair and still give the benefit of the doubt without becoming a stupid pawn in the game of fools?

It's not easy to turn away from everything and say you're okay. There's nothing more difficult than being in love but knowing that it's not working out quite like it should be. What then? Do you stand alone on your shore wondering if on that distant beach, someone's still calling your name? Or do you walk away?

This just goes to show how much more we have to understand about life and love. Whoever said he's learned everything there is to know doesn't know anything...

From facing your failure
Facing your loneliness
Facing the fact you live a lie
Yes you live a lie
Tell you why
You're always preaching not to be numb
When that's how you thrive
You pretend to create and observe
When you really detach from feeling alive

-Roger in Goodbye Love, Rent soundtrack

I haven't been writing here lately. I actually haven't been writing at all. It's not because nothing interesting has happened. It's not like I lack ideas to write about. Not at all.

I think it's because I don't feel the need to write here anymore. This used to be an avenue for the expression of the words I couldn't say or of words better left unsaid. It was so much easier that way.

Short and vague. That's how it usually was Just enough hints to let people take a peek into my frame of my mind while keeping them guessing. The whole thing was so contradictory because I wanted people to understand but at the same time I didn't. Not really.

Right now, I think I'm just on a mental doodle spree (I can't say verbal doodles because I'm not talking). This is all just a jumble of words that barely make sense in my head.

A lot has happened. I'm tired of documenting the moments. I'm tired of stuffing my mental memory box. This online journal contains too many things. 2005 to the present is a pretty long time. In fact, rereading it is like tracing the ways I've changed over the years.

When you remember to forget, you're remembering. But when you forgot to forget, that's when you forgot. That was from a book I read a while back. I don't want to forget memories, of course, but I have a tendency to be stuck in a memory. I don't need that.

So that's it. I'm not saying I'm going to stop writing entries. I can't say that for sure. Maybe this time it's just going to be different and more infrequent. I don't know. Like I said, I can't say anything for sure.

~FIN~

Heads or tails, heads or tails.

Heads, I think of me;

tails, I think of everything else.

 

The gamble is in the flip.

The risks are incredible

and I'm incredibly unsure.

 

If by choice, it won't be heads.

Do I even have one?

Yes I do. A choice to choose, I do.

 

Leave something for myself, they say.

Say your piece, for peace of mind.

I can't. I cannot. No can do.

 

So if it's tails, I digress.

No flip, no gamble, no nothing.

I'll shut up by choice, they'll never guess.

 

Tails, I think of everyone else. (you)

 

Surprise. I actually passed.

 

 

Still can't quite believe it.

 

 

Love Love Love

 

 

Without YOU, I'd have fallen apart by now.