and yet she has no clue

Because I miss you and how I was before all the "new" things that have happened. If I could go back for even just a moment, I would. Just so that I'd be able to experience that brief moment of bliss and contentment again.

Of all the control buttons, rewind remains elusive to the grand design of life.

moving out.

i guess this has served its purpose long enough.

Directly or indirectly, the Surreal knocks us out of reality and makes us realize how fleeting life really is. But what is a long life compared to a life fully lived? A life that touched so many others.

There is no comparison. To be able to leave an impression on someone's life, even in ways so small, it's a gift.

Some people, some things... they just challenge and inspire you to be more and do more. Not by being perfect (none of us are by a long shot). Not by being magnificent (so few of us are). Not by being great (although in many ways they are). But by simply being.

Could the simple fact of a person's existence be an inspiration? I say a resounding yes.

And so it is that I am silenced in humility at the thought of nearing 20 years of existence and still having such a long way to go in this regard. Many younger than I have been loved and lost. But in a way, they are never really gone. Because they've lit something up in the lives of the people they touched.

It's that wonderful spark he leaves in each person that keeps him here, grounded in reality but freer to fly into the unknown.

So I dedicate this to those people. The people who've touched our lives and made God and Heaven a little bit closer and more real for us through their existence.

And to them I say, "Thank you." The sky is even better to look at, knowing you're up there with Him.

I made my first real video. It feels... good. The conceptualizing was the hardest and most intriguing part, I think. The execution of my concept was flawed. I really deviated from my original concept.

Concept: girl being stalked (I built on this idea given by pao)

here's what I wrote in my required VidProd blog:

I wanted to get a dark and twisty vibe going. I even set out criteria for what I wanted from my talent... I wanted the girl to be visually captivating. As in when you look at her, it'd be hard to take your eyes off her. Not necessarily because of her physical beauty but because she exudes this vibe that just catches your attention (naks haha). And one important thing, I wanted pretty, expressive eyes. So that I could really capture the scared and paranoid emotion.

I was thinking... Girl, Interrupted goes bohemian. I was even envisioning certain clothes and colors. Let me just say, ANG HIRAP MAGHANAP NG GANUN. Weird nga eh, when I'd describe my character to my friends hoping they knew someone like that, I ended up sounding like the freaky stalker kasi I was so enamored with the ideal persona of my character. Hahaha

*WARNING: the terms I will be using are probably not the correct ones, but that's how I envisioned things in my head... can't find the right words* I wanted a sort of diffused glow(?) to the video na parang ang smooth... maybe turn up the brightness, lessen the contrast a bit, if that makes sense. I also wanted sort of like a slightly desaturated effect. Or more like the "color select" option available in most digital cameras. I wanted the color SEAFOAM GREEN to pop out but not necessarily be the only color. I was hoping to have my talent wear a skirt of that color.

I also wasn't planning to show the face of the stalker at all. Just give hints of his existence at the very least... like his feet following her, a shot of his eye at the corner of the screen, an OTS shot, or the shot would be from his POV. All in all, I wanted to portray mystery and suspense.

Anyway, here's how my chase video turned out...

 

My skills are still... amateurish, naturally. Hopefully it gets better. I lost the sound when I transferred the clips from the cam to the laptop. I had no choice but to make a musical score using Mac's Garage Band. Again, amateurish. Haha

 

 

 

 

 

and here she lies

forgotten amidst

the rich, loud colors

of this vibrant world.

does anyone

notice this pale,

little thing unwatched

by the sidelines?

i think not.

but it suits her,

really.

to remain in

obscurity

as long as she can

paint to her

own little tune

in her own

colors and strokes.

it doesn't

matter much.

as long as she can

paint and sing,

color and dance,

escape every glance.

I'd like to believe that you GET me. You know my insecurities. You know or at least can relate to how my brain works. We could have endless conversations if we tried.

But I am looking for answers... and I know I can't find them in you.

It's pretty simple that way.

I lost that hand ages ago. Didn't play it well, or to my advantage. I was never really good at cards anyway. I just see what's before me and how they go together at the moment. But I never work out my strategy. I don't play the smart game. I don't see the cards for what they could bring.

And in the end, I lost. It didn't matter to me at beginning of the loss. But time proved resistant to selective amnesia. Wouldn't, couldn't, didn't happen.

Dammit, it was AGES ago. I get it now, though. Years too late, maybe? It's a done deal. A closed door. A funny little anecdote of a page. Let's keep it that way, shall we?

Bye.

I'm really going to try this time. For a number of different reasons, I'm really going to try.

 

Quitting the little sticks Going home earlier Not putting things off for the next day Stop overthinking Less tambay more school Less me more YOU Discipline Responsibility Priorities Less talk more action (haha)

 

Just... less. *Currently lost in thought* 

Didn't go to concept today (favorite major pa naman!). Sick. Got to school around 9 (class was at 8) so I went to the chapel instead. Haven't visited in a while. Felt good to get away from all the campus noise and the Agno air. I was just sitting, doing my thing... and then I looked up towards the altar.

A huge sign said "Virtue for the day: HOPE." Hope. That's exactly what I needed. It was the best message I've received in a while. It just kinda put things in perspective.

My day started out right. Should start visiting the chapel again.

---

Kaninang umaga, dinaanan ko yung bago kong route to school. Well, shortcut lang actually kasi tumatawid nako ng EDSA para di nako umikot (bakit ko ineexplain? as if alam niyo kung ano pinaguusapan ko).

Anyhoo... it takes 10 mins off my travel time. And crossing that bridge, you get a full sensory experience of living in Pasay.

Kita mo almost lahat kasi DUH mataas yung bridge. Naririnig mo yung mga jeep, tricycle, bus at kung anu-ano pa na dumadaan sa EDSA. Nararamdaman mo yung hangin kasi nasa mas mataas ka na lugar... yun nga lang, kasama ng hangin... you also get that assaulting stench of stale urine and garbage. But only for a few seconds and then it's gone.

Back to the point, ginamit ko ang bagong route. Sumakay ako ng jeep papuntang LRT. Tas yun. Yun lang. Deh! Haha. Yung point ko... wala, yung jeep na sinakyan ko kaninang umaga, yun rin yung sinakyan ko nung pauwi nako ngayong gabi.

Sakto naman timing ni Manong Jeep. Galing. Hahaha.

---

Some people changed... are changing... will change. Some people you're better off without but there are some that are somehow still supposed to be there. I went through my desk today and I got out all my letter boxes. All 6 of them. I found really old letters dating back to grade school.

It's funny how kids love saying "friends forever" but of course they know little of the challenges that lie ahead of them. They write friends forever on paper as if by writing it, it's made magically permanent.

I'm glad it's still true for some people though. Rummaging through the memory box always makes me think of YOU and how WE have the possibility of FOREVER laid out before us.

*YOU and WE are pretty relative at this point